United Baseball Association

Concerned that the southern California baseball market might be too lucrative, Irvine Aces owner George Rogers has announced that he is relocating the franchise to Bismarck, North Dakota, "because its at the center of America's filthy energy revolution and I am a filthy, filthy man... I mean, because its at the center of America's belly button and I am a job creator." When asked how he'd settled on renaming the franchise the Otto Vons, Mr. Rogers fondled his war helmet's pointy top and declared, "we'll win this division with iron and blood!" Team spokespersons clarified that Mr. Rogers was speaking metaphorically, as physically assaulting opposing players is against league policy.